Monday, November 17, 2014

Be the Good

Facebook-immediate prayer

How wonderful is this day in age?! Every day we have the choice to do good or do bad. Some people are thinking really? No way. There must be some days where it's just “meh” and not good or bad. But each of us has the choice through the internet. We have the choice to spread good and love or to share hate and ignorance.

Just think, asking for one prayer request. You have 400+ friends, minus the ones who have “unfollowed” you (either because you're to spiteful or too stinking happy.) You ask each one for a simple prayer request either for yourself or even more often for someone else. I don't believe in a professional or organized relationship with God. I believe in a personal, friendly, honest relationship with Him. So when scrolling over the news-feed that I have and I see a prayer request, I may not comment but I will speak a prayer to the Lord asking for comfort and strength for each request, then continue scrolling. So just imagine, 400 prayers in a matter of hours! How wonderful is that?!

I know that I have a praying following because I had a “bad” day yesterday and today has been nothing like it. I even managed to make a Christmas gift that I think will truly be cherished. I've had a good day. I know that is because I have people praying for me. So just imagine if we prayed for each other and share only good. Imagine if we shared only our own thoughts and ideas instead of slander, lies, and other people's publishings. It would be beautiful.


So that's my challenge to all my “readers.” Pray for each request on your news feed as you go and each time you see it. Share your own thoughts, opinions, solutions, hopes, and prayer requests. If you have anything negative, make it your own thoughts and opinions. Don't ever share something until you've researched it and made sure it is reputable, and even then it's iffy. Share the positive and encouraging. You may be the inch of sunshine a person needs to get through the day.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Relentless Love

For all my friends struggling this week, I finally found “my” Bible verse. I downloaded a new app that is great-it's called “Prayer Journal” and it includes a journal of prayers, daily devotionals, and read the Bible in a year plan. Well one of them was the following scripture. I thought that some of you girls could use the encouraging words:

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord's people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay” says the Lord. On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”
-Romans 12:9-21


Love always. Never let evil win you over and pull you down. Do not let others encourage you to do evil or seek revenge. Keep in mind that our Lord's revenge is far greater than any evil of which you are capable. Anyone you feel the urge to seek revenge upon, is clearly not worthy of your everlasting life in heaven. 

Monday, October 20, 2014

The objective term becoming subjective

The perspective of “time...”
In the span of the last twenty-four hours, I have decided that time is not a simple objective measurement. Sure, it is “measurable” but it is also incredibly subjective as well. I thought for sure this week would go by so slowly because I am anticipating Friday. Today, however, went by so quickly. I was busy, but no more than normal. It just seemed like 10am-5pm went by in the blink of an eye. So what is it that makes our bodies respond differently time the concept of time? Is it sleep, metabolism, mood, hormones, etc.? Sadly, I don't have the answer. I don't really even have an opinion. I just find it intriguing that such an objective term like “time” can become so subjective. Hmph. 

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Just loving people

Dogs have been taken out, doors locked, showered, and all ready for bed... Then it hits me and plays on repeat. So here's tonight's: ((From Garth Brooks' “People Loving People.”

The chorus line goes something like this:
the answer to the problem is/the solution is so simple
People loving people
That's the enemy of everything that's evil
Ain't no quick fix at the end of a needle
It's just people loving people.
It then goes along to talk about where the answer isn't: in words, lies, fear, color, culture, kings/queens, etc. But rather that it starts with a world full of hurting loving one another.

As a Christian I try so hard to love every person I meet. Of course it's insanely difficult to see that ONE person out an about that you just want to roll your eyes and think REALLY!? So many people-Christian and otherwise- sit on a pedestal and peer down at those that haven't found Christ yet and take pity on them. It's not intentional and I don't think all people know they do it. I've been on both sides of the coin. When I was blinded by the blur of life, I never asked for nor wanted pity from anyone. I was happy and life was good... I just didn't know HOW good it could be-so I had nothing to compare it to.

Love is one emotion, one feeling, one expression that translates through all languages, religions, cultures, races, ethnicity, etc. Love should so freely given that we don't even have to try. We shouldn't notice ourselves loving others while in the world. At first it may be a conscious effort, but will quickly become routine.

I have always been a supporter of love. It often comes off as over-trusting, naive, optimistic, etc. but it comes back to love. Yes, a person may have said hurtful things, been cruel to me or my family/friends, or done other less-than-pleasant things-but all is forgiven and I still have a love for them. I may not like them or intentionally put myself in their presence, but I would still love them, give to them, and help them when they needed it.

This is why I rarely mention subjects of politics, religion, or other touchy subjects. When we delve into things that are so controversial, things frequently become intentionally hurtful. Do I think others (politicians for example) can do better at their jobs? Of course! But I also know that not one of us gives 100% every day at work. We are tired, we are stressed, overwhelmed, etc. and that inhibits our efficiency. Until I am placed in their shoes, I will not criticize the work of others based on what I think should be done. Maybe some day, I will run for public office and see how well I do, but probably not.

No matter what the question, the answer is love. If you can't start a “hot-topic” discussion and monitor it consistently to check for honesty, truthfulness, and love, then don't start it. Not everyone is so caring and considerate. I want the readers of my thoughts to know that they are welcome to share ((LOVING & TRUTHFUL)) thoughts without hurting others. It's not wishy-washy or riding the fence. It's making an extraordinary effort to love others.


I have no doubt that in the “big picture” of life, if you live with the purpose of loving others, you will be fully and truly happy. There may be hurtful moments, but loving others will heal the wounds and make you a stronger, more powerful lover.

Lyrics for "People Loving People" by Garth Brooks
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/garthbrooks/peoplelovingpeople.html  

Friday, October 3, 2014

Spoons and Struggles

I was THIS close to turning off and turning in for the night. Suddenly it starts really raining which immensely relaxes me and lets my mind wander. (OH NO, right!?) I read an article the other day that I thoroughly enjoyed. It is the “spoon” theory for relating to unseen medical conditions, in the example given it is Lupus. However, it relates to many more illnesses than just Lupus, but it is comparable to many other illnesses.

You may look at a person and see a normal, happy, healthy individual. You may see a normal body with healthy features. Some people have visible illnesses, whether it is a skin condition or abrasion, missing or unusable limbs, utilization of mobility aides, deformities, communication problems, etc., the list really is endless. Even these people with “visible” conditions may struggle with far more than what our eyes can see. In a world where we rely so heavily on our vision to aide our routine, we become dependent on what our eyes see and interpret. We know (thanks to the State Farm commercial) that “everything you read on the internet has to be true” because it is a satirical commercial making the statement laughable and untrue. The same is true with how we see and judge those around us. We should be training our brains to learn “everything you see must be right” is an untrue statement.

I know for the most part (withholding my unique quirks like crazy fashion, nail art, strange reasoning, etc.) I look like a normal person without limitation or defect. I also FEEL like a “normal” person for the most part. The things that make me different have become such a part of my everyday life that I no longer realize they are abnormal. Every morning, I have to sit momentarily to wait for the ice-pick pains to reside. Then I have to “carefully” stumble out of bed because I normally feel like I've had about three shots of whiskey or the likes. After about 10-15 minutes, I've regained my equilibrium and can function normally but generally feel like I only slept about 2 hours, regardless of whether it was 6 or 12 or anything in between. This passes after another 15-30 minutes and I can actually start my day. My day goes fairly smoothly without much fuss. Unless of course it is sunny out. Bright sun causes some strain from the eyes and neck, resulting in a migraine by the end of the day. Or if I have to turn from looking back while driving a lot (highway changing lanes, turning into traffic right or left, etc.) Then there are the days that are stressful causing me to clench my teeth, tense my neck, or just be anxious in general that cause frequent ice-pick pains. The more ice-pick pains, the more migraines. This is day in, day out, everyday regardless of work, weekends, etc.

((Ice-pick pains: sharp pains in the forehead feeling similar to what I imagine a small minion using an ice-pick in my brain would feel like. Imagine a short frequent burst of “brain-freeze.” The actual cause is from a blocked flow of cerebral spinal fluid in my posterior fossa at the base of my skull and top of neck. How was that for technical?))

Beyond what feels like normal everyday life, I get to watch my other abilities and skills diminishing. Typing this has taken me twice as long as it would have 2 years ago because I keep missing letters or hitting the wrong key. If I walk through a parking lot, I look like I just left the bar after a long evening of drinking and stagger towards my destination. I walk into walls, doors, objects, etc. usually pretty gracefully. I like to think people don't notice, but I pray some of those around me are a little more perceptive, for their own sake and safety if none else! I have lost so much dexterity that I can barely open a new bottle of pop or packaged candy (where you have to tear open the bag.) I come incredibly close to falling in the shower at least 6 out of 7 times a week. I can't remember the events of two days ago. This seems strange, even for me to say it. I can remember HUGE events...sometimes. I can't oftentimes place when/where something actually happened if I do remember. (Example-I know we had Sonic for dinner this week, but I have no idea what day it was.) I also have little concept of what the date is or how long it takes to get from place to place.

Why does this all matter? Because I struggle with these things EVERYDAY. I struggle with remembering, did I do this yesterday? Have I got it done yet or do I still need to finish it? Can I open this on my own, or will I have to wait for the hubby to get home and rescue his damsel in distress? I have to check and recheck that I've done the necessary tasks for the day? Can I shower without someone home or will I fall and need help? These are the struggles that I personally face everyday that hide beneath a “normal” exterior and a smile upon my face. I keep a positive attitude and outlook because being upset and angry won't change anything. This is the battle that I've been given to walk through and learn from.

I don't share my story for pity or sadness or guilt or any other reason than to encourage people to be open and honest. No matter how we look, act, react, etc., we don't have it all together. No one ever has it completely together. We all have struggles, we all have hurdles, we all have issues. The medical doctor you see who treats you and helps you get well, doesn't have it all together. The police officer who pulls you over to remind you to slow down and follow the rules to protect you, doesn't have it all together. The therapist that helps you deal with your struggles, doesn't have it all together. The dog groomer that loves your pets and treats them so carefully, doesn't have it all together. No one has it all together...ever.


There is an exceptional reason too. Don't be discouraged that you are seeking the “all-together lifestyle” because it quite simply isn't attainable. We cannot have it all until we have Him. We cannot have it all until we are Home. We strive for bigger, better, and right. All those things lie in His Kingdom alone, not on this Earth. So we strive for the best we can to honor him and help each other find the path Home. 

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Alpha Post

My Medical Adventures

In 2010, I married my DH (dear husband.) Prior to this, my medical problems were contributed to other random coincidences (familial arthritis, exercise-induced asthma, etc.) Shortly after getting married, I went off BC and went with “all in God's timing.” Well after two years, God's timing wasn't coming along and neither was ours. So I started seeing my regular OB/GYN for these issues. I had several tests and there were never any clear results. Some bloodwork showed PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome.) Basically it's an overproduction of eggs that don't grow big enough to become viable. This was shown through various levels of hormones that were outside normal range. All the mid-cycle ultrasounds looked good though. So we went with metformin and clomid for a while.

Fast forward to almost 2 years ago. I was moving furniture to clean the backs of the dressers and entertainment center (very dusty and gross!!) After moving them, I got this crazy rush of pain in my forehead and nearly passed out. I just thought I had over-strained and maybe pulled something. I didn't think much about it. I started getting pretty significant migraines that were attributed to eye strain and stress from my job. I got glasses (DH says I was nearly blind---it was pretty bad!) The migraines got better, but were still occurring 2-3 times a week. I asked my family doctor about them and we tried several different things over a few months (different medications.) The only thing that ever has worked was Imitrex for migraines after the fact-no prevention. So she ordered an MRI. The MRI was completed in March of 2013 by our lovely local hospital. It came back as normal with only mild sinusitis.

From that point, I started getting these crazy sharp pains in my forehead any time I strained. At first it was just with heavy strain-lifting, pushing, pulling, etc. They then began getting more frequent and happened when I coughed, laughed, sneezed, stretched, etc. So at another regular visit to my family doctor we continued talking about these sharp pains. She had no ideas so she referred me to the neurologist....also at the lovely local hospital. The neurologist met with me about 3 months later. She said she was a little concerned with the initial MRI (done a year ago at this point) because of a significant bend in my brain stem. She was baffled and promised to research it a little and prescribed Elavil for sleep-because I clearly have trouble getting tired and sleeping normal. I went back after a month and I am pretty sure she had forgotten about me and we did the same thing all over again-as if she thought a month would solve my problems on their own. So we then went another month and she decided to do an MRA to check for aneurisms and blood flow. This came back normal. So another two months because of course we had to wait for insurance to approve it. She then did a little research (with me in the room on the internet---webMD much!?) So then we went for a CSF flow study via X-Ray and CT scan. This was AWFUL. I was placed face down on a metal table, strapped my ankles down, numbed the small of my back and then placed a needle into my spinal column to inject dye. I had to lie on my stomach but kink my neck at a 90* angle to prevent the dye from going to my brain. They then did a number of X-Ray's and the CT scan. Afterwards, I was sent home and rested when I had some pretty significant pain like two days later-thankfully my family doctor gave me a Rx for Tramadol for pain.

At this point I notice through different approaches a number of other symptoms. I have the balance/coordination of a 1 year old-I trip, stumble, wobble, etc. all the time. I cannot walk in a straight line. I have a “thrumming” in my left hear that coincides with my heartbeat and when I press on my carotid artery, I can hear the blood whistle through the artery. I have short-term memory lapses. I can't remember anything past 24 hours or so unless it was substantially out of the ordinary and even then it is kind of fuzzy. I have a loss in judgment, sometimes it's hard for me to tell how far away something is-50 feet looks the same as 500 feet. I have less hand strength and fine motor skills. I am unable to pickup small things from a flat surface. I sometimes get confused and forget what I'm doing mid-way through it (walking into a room, mid-sentence and I can't remember what I'm talking about, etc.) I get easily choked, especially on fluids-including my own saliva. And oh the pains. They are so frequent that they occur probably 20-50 times a day and are worse when I am more active. They happen when I laugh, cough, sneeze, yawn, stretch, strain, exert, etc. in any form. They only last a few seconds but the pain is so crazily intense that I cannot move, talk, anything. The more frequent they happen, the more likely I am to have a migraine at the end of the day.

So with my slew of symptoms and complaints, my lovely local hospital neurologist decides to send me to Ohio State University Neurology. I meet with them a few more months later. They are a teaching hospital so at first I meet with the student doctor guy and then the actual doctor. They do ((what I have found is the normal)) neurological test of reflexes, walking, etc. After only meeting with me for 15-20 minutes and looking at the MRI completed by my lovely local hospital-they are fairly certain of the cause. They just said “low-lying cerebellar tonsils.” and order another MRI as well as an MRI of my auditory canal because of the thrumming sound. They also refer me to a neurosurgeon because they deal with the condition far more and want to get their opinion. Note, at this point surgery is not even mentioned-so we think more of a consultation type thing.

I have the two MRI's completed at OSU (on a SUNDAY!) Then the neurosurgeon agrees to take me on as a patient. The surgeon is actually a director of the neurosurgery department at the hospital. I meet with his student doctor first and he mentions surgery- Posterior Fossa Decompression surgery for the official diagnosis of Arnold-Chiari Malformation. At this point I had also done my own research. The diagnosis is given with the cerebellum or cerebellar tonsils (the little brain that sits in your skull above the neck in the back-think of the “nape” of your neck and that little dip where hair grows like a tail) lie below the foramen magnum (on an MRI, they draw an imaginary line where the spinal column starts.) It's a fairly common malformation and not always medically necessary to treat. Many people's lie within 3-5mm below this line. According to the OSU MRI, mine are almost 10mm below this line.

The OSY MRI also included a CSF flow study which showed limited CSF flow in the back part of the canal and possibly limited mildly in the front. The neurosurgeon explained it as when I strain, the muscles in my head and neck press in on my neck and down on my brain causing these tonsils to completely block the CSF flow. This causes a buildup of pressure within my brain. So the actual neurosurgeon agreed with the student doctor and recommended surgery.

The surgery itself is explained like this: a 4-5” area is shaved at the base of my head/neck, in a 2” wide path. (Like they just mow down a streak of hair!) They then make an incision in the skin and push the muscle away instead of cutting through it. Then a small section of the skull bone is removed. They cut into the sac that contains the cerebellum (dura) and place a patch of dermis. This is like adding a patch to pants that are too small to make them bigger. If necessary, they shave off a portion of the top cervical vertebrae. Then they place a titanium mesh plate where the skull bone used to be and stitch everything up. It is a 3-4 hour procedure. Then there will be 2-3 days in the hospital followed by at least 4 weeks at home recovery. The recover can be painful due to the stretching of the muscle and it being tender and tight. They will prescribe medication to aid in the pain which is scary because most medication completely wind me up.

So my surgery is scheduled for October 24th. My doctor is going on vacation the week before, so he should be well rested! I know that a lot of my family and friends are concerned, but I am so excited. The surgeon said this should resolve the mega intense pains I get throughout the day so I will be thrilled with just that! I look forward to being able to laugh again! I also will be pampered at home by my husband who has taken two weeks off and my mother who will be staying for at least a month. That's not to mention the rest of the family and church family that I am hoping will keep me (and them) sane over this time!


I am hoping to keep up with this blog over the course of the next few months so that not only will it remain a resource for others, but also a nice little diary of this journey. Keep ya posted y'all! 

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

5 Pages of Thoughts on Media... :D

Sometimes we must leave the well-beaten path and forge our own thoughts, standings, and opinions on topics that swirl around us. While I admit that I am a sheep-only in the sense of the sheep belonging to and following the shepherd. I am not a sheep to social media, the news, or any other information portal which portrays the views of the world. I, in this situation am an open-minded, intelligent, naive, independent thinking citizen. Luckily for me men and women have died for me to have this privilege. It is not a right, it is not standard, it is not universal. It is a privilege that American citizens are given. We are afforded the opportunity to choose our religion-and then participate in it, despite being under attack for being religious at all. The simple act of getting up and going to church is taken for granted so frequently that people often view it as a chore or unwelcome commitment. I am guilty of grudgingly rolling out of bed on Sunday morning (all mornings for that fact) slapping on my church clothes and dragging my hiney to the car. I shouldn't be! I should be incredibly thankful that I am allowed to do this without fear of being killed for going. ((Sadly, this is not the direction I am going... more on this later though!))

I am not a sheep of this world. I am not a sheep to the news, the media, the society, the culture, etc. I am me. I am free to be me. And this is what I think...

Our society as a whole are becoming brainwashed moguls who have very little true concept of reality. Sure, I frequently look for the good and positive in everything, but I understand that everything isn't flowery and rosey. I fear that our society is, at least initially, believing everything they see, read, and hear. It is sad but more-so, it is terrifying! With all that goes on in the world, outside our confines of comfort, we have to be alert to the liars, the sneaks, the stirrers, and the infidels. Everything you read in a newspaper, magazine, website, Facebook, etc.-be skeptical! None of these places are required to tell you the truth about anything. They may claim they provide researched topics and support for the information, but how many people actually ask for it? My guess-zero!

With this post, I am not saying there aren't terrible things happening in the world-because there most definitely are. I am more questioning the timing and references of said terrible things. For instance, (I'm going political/religious here) the...happenings...in the middle east. We are being flooded with horrible pictures and stories of massacred families, women, children, and infants. We are being told of the awful conditions in which one group of human beings are attacking another group. I'm not saying these things aren't happening-I am certain they are. What I want to point out is that they have BEEN happening for a very long time now. There has only been an idealogy of peace in the middle east, there has never been peace the way we think of or see it. Men, women, and children have been persecuted for their faith for a great, many, hundreds of years. They have been made examples of for being Christian in a Muslim world, Muslim in a Hindu world, Buddhist in an Atheist world. It doesn't matter which religion is attacking the other-simply stated, there has been turbulence in the area for centuries. My question is why now? Why now is the mass media making it known? Why now are we seeing and hearing the horror stories when it's happened for so long with so little attention? I don't believe for a second that no one noticed, no one alerted the media, no one shouted it from the mountain top. If you dig, you can find it-but it was never made into a “hot-spot” for the media, never made the headlines. So, why now?

I, as always, will search for ulterior motives. I don't believe that the government (ours and others') has no part of the media. I believe as with everything else, they have their hands in this honey pot too. So again, why now? With just recently pulling troops out of a war-torn, killing machine, oil rich country, why now are we back staring into the faces of the middle east? It certainly isn't because there isn't news elsewhere. It isn't because that's what we all want to see. So why now, is the media presenting this to us on a silver platter over, and over, and over?

And as always, I have an opinion. I am blessed to live in a free country where I may express my opinions. If yours do not align, you disagree, or are otherwise differing, please, feel free to write about (preferably on your own page, under your own name, and utilizing only your own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs.) I believe that there is a reason for the media now presenting the horrible situations there. We recently pulled troops from Iraq, although I do not believe it was ALL of them. With having no troops there, no connections inside, our political leaders have essentially had their hand pulled from the honey pot. While I don't believe that oil is the ONLY reason to be involved, I believe it holds a very high key to it.

Our American society is so advanced that we can cook a pie in under 2 minutes, we can grow vegetables in buildings, we can fly massive cargo planes over continents and oceans. We can ((reportedly-:) )) put a man on the moon! Yet through all of this, we cannot come up with a sustainable resource to utilize for transportation? Seriously!? Gasoline is practically the only thing that we have used in the same ways over the last century. We have made some other uses for it too, but it essentially has the same function-running motors. For a century, we have become dependent on other countries' natural resources. We have relied on friendly exchanges and sales. Frankly, I think the political party is tired of relying on other nations for something so vital to their own economy. The word economy is very nearly always placed along side some reference to the price of gasoline and oil. We are led to believe that the fallout of the economy is due to the rising price of oil coming in from other countries. So what better way (sarcasm to follow) to increase the economy than to reach into the honeypot and take it for ourselves? Again, sarcasm. I don't believe that the economy is tied to oil, not entirely at least, as we've been led to believe by the wording and order of articles and newscasts.

I believe that the fall in the economy is due to exportation of jobs. I don't mean closing down one plant in southern Virginia and moving it to Louisiana. I don't mean relocation of plants, manufacturing, warehouse, and other type employment throughout the states. What I mean is the relocation of said facilities to outside the United States, employing that countries population to make good strictly for American citizens. I, for example, feel that Wal-Mart has the ability to end the recession (yes, we are still in a recession-in my opinion.)Currently, we are at the unemployment rate which we were in when the current recession began in 2008. If large-chain stores like Wal-Mart, Meijer, Target, etc. employed and purchased goods made mainly in the United States, employment, wages, income, etc. would increase. I also think the government could aid in this by “encouraging” stores to buy, sell, and employ American made, or at least North American made (to incorporate the NAFTA.) So many items we buy now are made in China, Japan, Vietnam, Taiwan, etc. that it is actually rare to find Mexican or Canadian made, and exceptional to find American made. If you think about it, how are we expected to thrive? We (as a nation) live off the goods, supplies, and textiles from other countries but are the “ultimate” consumer. That trend can only continue for a period of time at which point, it will collapse. We produce hardly anything we consume, we manufacture very little, yet we purchase and use all the things made elsewhere. Put in simple terms it doesn't make sense. Sure there are other professions-doctors, lawyers, etc. but even still-their books, medicines, etc. are produced elsewhere and these are very limited fields. They are strict and if there is a huge influx of people in these professions, the “ideology” of them would decrease causing them to become as routine as a city worker, teacher, etc.

Wow, I don't know how this got so far away, but that's just how I roll. Yes-I think for myself. Yes, I believe that the government has ulterior motives for streaming media to us at a certain time regarding a certain place. Otherwise we would have a stream of information available throughout time and we wouldn't be “surprised” at the turn of events. Stop taking everything said, written, or expressed as fact. Think for yourselves and question that which goes on around you. Be a sheep to the Lord, but an individual to society... Whew.

Monday, August 11, 2014

Fear of Hell is NOT a Plan for Success.

Not sure that header is worded quite the way I want to express what's on my mind. With the topic of suicide floating about with the death of actor Robin Williams, I am seeing several comments on the fact that suicide is a sin. It's likely unforgivable, at least as far as our earthly bodies are considered-there is no way to seek forgiveness and repent. It is the final sin. Beyond that, I've already commented on the fact that I, as a Christian, feel responsible for an individual when they end their life because we, as a whole, did not do as we were asked in this instance. The Bible instructs us to love one another as He loved the church. In instances of suicide, I don't believe that we loved them like He did the church. We can play the blame game-circumstance, demons, drugs, past, etc. but it all boils down to them seeking the ultimate fulfillment, whether they know it or not, God. In instances of suicide, I feel as though I have let them down because I didn't show them the love that He has showed to me. I feel as though I wasn't “Jesus to the least of them.”

Moving beyond that, for a great deal of the population and a vast majority of the Christian population, the biggest detraction from suicide is that it is an ultimate sin that will result in an eternity in Hell. Getting this straight first thing-yes, I agree with this statement. I believe that the result of suicide will be an eternity in the depths of the deepest, darkest pits. Of course, there is a but. BUT, as human creatures, I don't think that fear of Hell should be a reason to do or not do anything. Love for our Father and Creator, as well as fearing him, is a reason, but to fear the consequence is almost an abstract thought.

I will compare us to children (in essence, that's what we all are anyways.) When raising children, we train them by consequence. The child will commit an action with either good or bad consequences. They will either be praised for their work or punished. In the largest sense of the meaning, punishment is intended to alter behavior, receive a different result, and educate a child on appropriate behavior. As a child, if I talked back, I would get spanked. If I cursed, my mouth was washed out with soap. If I was out past curfew, I was grounded, and so it goes on. As a parent, I am certain that my parents had no intent to continue punishment through adulthood and beyond. The negative consequences of my actions were meant to deter me from said action to take a different approach.

In the years between those “molding” years and early adulthood, I pray that our children have learned the deeper meaning to why those actions were negative. The consequence as an adult is ((hopefully)) far different than that of a child. If I curse at someone, it causes them pain and sadness, it is hurtful, demeaning, and un-Godly. I can also never take back what I have said to someone. The consequences as a child taught me to think before I speak and then to speak carefully to not cause unintentional pain. As a child, I didn't want to curse because my mouth would have soap put in it, which was greatly unwanted! As an adult, I don't want to cause pain, sadness, or otherwise inflict unintentional harm. The consequence as a child no longer applies once an individual has grasped the true deterrent to the action.

The same is true in terms of appropriate, acceptable, “good” behavior. As children, we seek validation, praise, and on occasion a reward. The difference is that this sustains through adulthood. When we work hard, we earn more. When we are kind, others return the kindness (the majority of times.) When we give greatly, we receive abundantly, and on and on it goes. We are no longer rewarded with candy and hugs, but rather in finances, love, friendship, material things, and other emotional/heartfelt things. I don't get rewarded for cleaning my room anymore, but I do get rewarded for donating my unused goods and welcoming others into my home.

I feel as though the same applies to the fear of going to Hell. I know in the depths of my heart that I am not deserving of the Heaven that God created for me. I let him down regularly and that does cause me great sadness. I am unworthy-yet he still loves me! He sent Jesus Christ to pay for my sins so that I can live with Him in Heaven. I don't do good because of the fear of Hell. I do good for the hopes of going to Heaven. I do good for the love of my Father. I do good because I want to be Jesus to the least of them. I want to show everyone the light and walk the walk to show how much love He has for them. I want to tell the world that when you don't think anyone else cares, He does.... And so do I. I may not know you, but I have a love for you that is a love that comes from sharing a creator. I have a sister's love for each and every person. And I am greatly saddened that some people never feel the love of God. For that, I feel responsible. I know that I wouldn't know God's love without His children showing me and leading me to Him. I feel great sadness that even one of His children didn't share the love or sincere caring to these people.

It's not about feeling good about yourself, even though it does happen when we freely give. It's not about monetary or physical gain. It's not about fame, friends, family or anything else. It always boils down to one thing and one thing alone. Love. Love for God, our Father, our mighty Creator. Love for His creations-especially His children. Love for mankind. Love for humanity and everything within the bounds of our universe. It always comes down to Love. Simply Love. L-O-V-E. Love.

Thursday, August 7, 2014

To Forgive or To Be Forgiven... Yes Please!


My momma kindly informed me that my posts get a little.....lengthy when I haven't “let it out” for a few days. I will try to correct that, not that it will ACTUALLY make them any shorter... But please, feel free to stop reading, this is more for me than you and more for expression than interpretation anyways. Social media is a great way to get out your thoughts, feelings, opinions, and everything else too. Of course I don't mean drama, bullying, he said/she said, all that teenage stuff... So here goes today...

Tonight I am thinking about forgiveness. For some reason (literally, Lord knows!) forgiveness has come into my mind so often over the past few days. It is such an integral part of our daily life and being a true, loving Christian. I don't think we notice how often we forgive or begrudge in our everyday lives. Whether it is driving down the road and someone pulls out in front of us, standing in line at the grocery store and someone cuts, or even someone forgetting to return your call. We always have the option to forgive. Sometimes we hold on to the anger and grudge for far too long-holding onto it at all is too long. Other things we find so many reasons to hold on. Whether it is pride, anger, resentment, offense, etc. there is no reason good enough to hold onto it.

I see this example taken so much further in families. One person offends a family member (mother/child, sibling/sibling, etc.) and then one or both holds onto it for years, frequently forgetting why it ever started. The age old example is the “Hatfield's” and “McCoy's.” We've all heard they were a dueling family but never really know why. From my stance, the why is not now nor ever was truly important. The greatest, grandest, largest offenses deserve forgiveness. No matter how cruel, mean, or ruthless the other party was, refusing forgiveness hurts you more than anyone else. Refusing to give forgiveness is painful, energy required, and just torture on the soul. We are made and meant to be forgiving and forgiven.

Taking example from God, we see the ultimate forgiveness. We offend our Father and creator every day. We know His love, his requests for us, and everyday we offend him. We are rarely in line with everything he asks of us, yet his love and forgiveness never waivers. He constantly forgives us without hesitation. Because of Jesus Christ, we are freely forgiven and guided into grace. We are given chance after chance to prove ourselves and our love for him. We are allowed to repent and try again. The greatest love, greatest example for us is unconditional.. Yet in our everyday lives we choose to ignore forgiveness in light of success and pride. I'd like to embrace forgiveness and rebuild bridges. I'd like to show love, support, and forgiveness to my enemies and truly mean it. Let's repair relationships and move past the grudges. Let's embrace unconditional love. Let's follow THE great example.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

It's Official...


It is official. I scheduled my surgery today for October 24th, 2014. I go for pre-op testing and consent for treatment on the 6th of October. I am currently thinking over whether or not I want to seek legal counsel regarding Holzer mis-reading my original MRI. Had I been diagnosed and treated last year, I wouldn't have the memory loss, balance problems, and fine motor skill decrease. I would have had this surgery a year ago and been back to normal. Instead, the MRI was read as normal with no abnormalities other than some sinusitis. According to the surgeon at OSU, it is clearly an abnormal MRI and I have more like significant sinus damage and scarring. I'd hate paying for something they screwed up. I mean if I get shoes only to get them home and they're wrong, I take them back! Or if the waitress brings the wrong food, you send it back. I don't know though, it would be a hassle in the middle of all this.

I was a little nervous about making the appointment because it makes it a little more real and concrete. It's not just an indefinite thing anymore. I actually have a date and goal in sight. I am actually pretty excited that my mom will be staying with me a little. I have found that I love having house guests. Although I will probably be mindless for a while, it's always nice to have mommy there! And I am sure that J will need a break from me!

Now just to get through the next two months! I am somewhat certain that it will go by very quickly and will be crazy full. I'm going to try to get a little done every day to prepare. I realize that I don't NEED to do anything to be “ready.” But there are some things I would like to do beforehand. For instance, I want to get the back bedrooms straightened up and somewhat habitable. I want to clean up the craft room some perhaps later in my recovery I can go in there and do some little things. I want to just have things ready so that others here don't have to worry about it. Maybe I should make a list. So then I can lose the list. Then I can spend time looking for the list before making a new list to lose again. Yep, that's how I roll.

I think the last couple weeks are catching up to me. I am exhausted today and I pray it's just from being busy last week. I am hoping that this doesn't become the new norm. I can't function being this tired everyday, all day. Here's to a good night's sleep and a spunky day tomorrow!!

On a side note, I am sad that I missed my class' 10 year reunion. It was last Saturday but I was just so exhausted I couldn't force myself to go to the store let alone anywhere else. From the looks of it, everyone had a great time though. It was nice to at least see pictures. It reminds me of something our principal, Mr. Edwards said at our high school graduation. He said, “look around at all your classmates. This is the LAST time you will all be in the same place at the same time together.” And that has rung true. Many of us are friends on Facebook and keep up that way, but it's not the same. It'll never be the same. I wish deep down that I had truly treasured those moments. I wish that I had lived the moments to the fullest and not wished a single day away. Instead, I was so focused on the “future,” never realizing that each passing day, the future was becoming the present and the present was ever fleeting. I don't think anyone can ever tell you in a way that you understand to enjoy every moment until they are gone and you can only look back and reminisce.

I am highly anticipating next weekend, for various reasons that I can't yet mention. We have plans with my parents to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. I know it's not 25 or 50, but I think it's a HUGE ordeal. I am hoping that they enjoy everything that we have planned and it goes as I think/hope it will.

Well, I pray that all of you out there in cyber-ville sleep well and enjoy your Thursday. It's the “almost Friday” day, but it is one to cherish all on its own. Every moment is worth reveling in and everyday worth being thankful for. Good or bad, you were blessed to endure it and look at the beauties of the world.

Monday, July 28, 2014

Yet Another Day


Today was a different sort of day. I seem to have a new perspective on things with the idea of surgery lingering. The day went by quicker and I didn't get nearly as stressed by the “pop-ups” in my day (they are exactly what you'd imagine-little things that pop up requiring your attention that you hadn't initially planned. I did however, miss lunch so when I got home, a big bowl of leftover spaghetti really hit the spot! This whole not being able to eat breakfast (it makes me nauseous,) skipping lunch, and having a big ole dinner seems to have aided in losing almost 10 pounds in the past month. Anyways, we then went down to J's parent's to get some of his grandma and grandpa's things out of the old barn. J's cousin who had bought the property and built a house sold it and is moving out so we went down and got some of the grandparent's things. I think it was saddening for J and his mom. It's kind of like the last remaining remnants of what used to be. But we got several “treasures” that have probably no monetary value but great sentimental value. I plan to repurpose some of the items in the house (ladder for a blanket rack, window for picture frame, glass bulb hanging light for a solar porch light.)

I think all the “pickin'” was a little much for me though. I had several bursts of pain while there that have since resulted in a migraine. Lots of bending over and looking up caused them. The sensation is incredibly intense. It's like a million knives being thrown at the front of your brain. I am so excited to not have these issues anymore!

I did attempt to schedule the surgery this morning. I called was transferred from scheduling to the surgery scheduling person. She looked up my information but there were no orders yet. Because we were talking it over & thinking about it, the doctor was waiting to fill out the orders for the surgery. So I will have to wait until they get the orders and call back-or I will just call back later this week to check. I know they aren't Holzer but I feel like that's what a person has to do to get anything done. I did read the MRI report for my auditory canal (I can hear my pulsing heart beat in my ear.) It said that I do have an excess of CSF around the canal and some boney something or the other that may be dehesion or something like that, but should be discussed as relating to CM symptoms.

So I know I am closer than yesterday, but I'd really like to get this done with and feel human again! I am, however, dreading not being able to wash my hair for up to two weeks---GROSS!

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Neurosurgery and Faith

So it's been quite some time since I have updated my good little blog here. My last personal health related post left you after my appointment with the OSU Neurologist. I completed the MRI of CSF flow and auditory canal and the neurosurgeon took my case. His name is Dr. Prevadello and he is the director at OSU Neurosurgery. I met with him this past Tuesday amid a visit from the Florida Kelleys. The visit with family was a great visit but far too short. The good doc at OSU discussed the results of my scans and symptoms/problems I am having. I will try to get it all in there.
First-my symptoms because I will mention them frequently. When I strain-lifting, moving quickly, reaching, laughing, coughing, etc. I get a severe blinding pain in the front of my head. It is a short burst that lasts 5-20 seconds and then is gone as quickly as it came. Over the past several years, I have become clumsy, unbalanced, tripped, fell, stumbled relentlessly. I have the strength in my hands of a 70 year old woman-I can't open jars, pill bottles, hold small items, etc. In the past few months I have lost much of my short term memory. It's is straining to remember anything prior to 24-46 hours. I can't remember what I did two days ago!
The Chiari Malformation diagnosis was confirmed. Chiari Malformation is the descent of cerebral tonsils lying below the imaginary line drawn from the base of the skull to the rear of the spinal column. CM I is diagnosed as lying 5mm below this line. Mine currently lie 9.8mm below. Many people have asymptomatic Chiari Malformation or only have mild headaches or migraines. They frequently only require observation. The surgeon attributed all of my symptoms to the malformation (sharp sudden pains in my head, decreased balance and coordination, loss of memory skills and fine motor skills, weakening of the hands/fingers, dizziness, etc.) The symptoms are attributed to the low-lying cerebellar tonsils. When I strain, they are pressed down over the opening of the spinal column blocking the flow of CSF (cerebral spinal fluid.) The CSF flow is already limited prior to straining, but after it causes almost a complete blockage. This essentially causes a buildup of CSF in my brain/spinal cord suffocating my brain. I am NOT one of the asymptomatic people.
The surgeon recommends surgery but gave me an outlook for either way. Without surgery, my symptoms are likely to progress at a rather speedy rate as all of the current symptoms have developed and increased in frequency over only two years. With the severity of the drop of the tonsils and the progression of symptoms, they will likely continue to progress and worsen. He said eventually I would develop Parkinson's-type symptoms: loss of fine motor skill/control, severely decreased balance/coordination, increase in sharp head pains, increased loss of memory, and loss of reflexes. Again, this is NOT the typical prognosis for people with CM I diagnosis. So if you are reading this and have or think you have, don't go 0-60 on me here. He said symptomatic CM I is rare.
The surgery that would be completed is called Chiari Decompression surgery. It entails general anesthesia and a breathing tube (as usual.) Then I would be placed face-down on the table and have 3 pins inserted into my skin around my skull to hold my head still. They would then shave an area approximately 1” wide and 4” long from the base of my skull to my neck. The surgeon would then make an incision approximately 3-4” long in the same area. They will move the muscle in the area (as opposed to cutting through it.) They will then remove a small section of skull at the bottom area. Then the surgery goes more into what the surgeon deems necessary. He will look at the top spinal vertebrae and the cerebellar sac. He may remove the back half of the vertebrae. He may also open the little sac that surrounds the cerebellum, place a patch to enlarge the sac, then close everything back up. The surgery will be from 3-4 hours long, 2-3 days in the hospital, and at least 3-4 weeks recovery. The risks involved mainly surround the general anesthesia and risk associated with it. Activity will be limited especially the first few weeks. I will be unable to do laundry, sweep, drive, clean, or any other activity that requires bending, turning, straining, or lifting. I will be unable to drive until I regain most of my neck rotation.
With the surgery, the likeliness that my symptoms will resolve is very good. He stated that the head pains are likely to reside completely. The other symptoms including coordination, memory, and motor skills will likely return to normal due to my age but may time some time to basically re-learn them. He said that my structure and anatomy are ideal for the procedure. He stated that it's not a “life-saving”surgery but more about the quality of life. CM I doesn't generally result in death with the exception of incredibly severe cases, which are literally a handful. However, it will aid in my ability, agility, and quality of life. ((I WILL BE ABLE TO LAUGH AGAIN!!!!!))
After praying, talking, discussing, and thinking about the options, we have elected to go ahead with the surgery. I will be calling in the morning to schedule. We will be aiming for late October/early November. We want to keep the surgery in the same calendar year for insurance reasons-we have already met our almost $6,000 deductible this year! I would like to be mobile and feeling a little better by the holidays. I also want to save up at least a little leave time to help us out financially while I am off on leave. While I am concerned with the surgery itself, I'm also concerned about being off work for so long. After 4 weeks, I can draw short-term disability at 65% of my current earnings which will help, but it still is a concern. I will have family to stay with me and of course my faithful hubby. Mom has stated she IS staying with me for a while. And I have so many friends and loved ones that I am certain will be available.
I know it is a big deal and cause for concern. From my perspective though, excluding the financial and recovery restraints, I am relieved. For almost two years I've had health care professionals dismiss and avoid my symptoms. They looked at me like a drug-seeker crazy lady. People didn't understand why I stopped laughing freely. It was nearly impossible to explain my symptoms to people. Then it began interfering with my job and nearly cost it. I am incredibly blessed to have a work-family that actually believed my nearly unbelievable problems. I mean seriously, who looks at a relatively health 28 year old and says “yep, I believe she has memory loss.”Walking in public, I often look drunk because I walk into whoever I am with, cars, walls, doors, etc. For me, this is an end in sight. I want to laugh freely again. I want to remember what I did yesterday without having to journal and write it all down throughout the day. I want to put on my shoes without falling over. I want to open a pill bottle or pickle jar. I want to be normal me again!
I know that my family and loved ones are more concerned than I feel at the moment. That may change the closer it comes, but right now I am comfortable with the news and hopeful for the results. I have prayed about it for a long time. I feel that if God wants, He will heal me. But I am also certain that if I am meant to go through this to follow His plan for me, I am all in. I know that He is with me and I am always on His mind. I am excited that He has something in store for me. So it sounds strange that I don't want prayer for healing. I want prayer for strength to follow through with whatever His plan is for me. I think that big ordeals like this are what makes people who they are and changes their direction for His plan. A testimony isn't a testimony without any obstacles. If life has been easy and great forever, we have nothing to share for encouragement. I am confident that if I am not healed, then this is His plan for me and I will walk it with faith. I pray I have support and love from many folks. Prayer is always stronger in numbers. Please pray that I have strength, comfort and wisdom. Please pray for the family that will be walking with me-I think they have it harder than I do! They have to wait anxiously through the surgery while I sleep peacefully. They have to put up with me through the recovery and not beat me in the meantime! So pray for them to have patience, strength, comfort and faith. Please pray for the medical team to have Him with them and guide their hands and minds to be successful and thorough, that they may walk with Him and allow Him in their hearts and minds. Please pray for safe travels and support from all our friends and their families. I know people have it so much worse than I because they don't have the support that I do so I truly feel blessed.
Thank y'all for reading and praying! Prayer really does work and I plan to show y'all in person! I will walk in faith and trust in Him.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

20's The New 30's? Uhm, kinda.

Sometimes my blogs are simply the thoughts and revelations floating through this big brain of mine. Other times it is more based on something I have seen, read, or participated in over the past few days. Today's is about an article I read online. The article talked about all the reasons why the 30's are NOT the new 20's. While I agree that one should enjoy life as it comes and goes without total planning for the future, I don't agree wholeheartedly.

I think age is a relative concept. We base a persons intellect, experience, education, relationships, etc. based upon a "normal" curve of maturity. Society has a set of expectations for ages that aren't necessarily congruent with real life. I approach age, mentality, and maturity with redesince, I don't believe that at 18 years old, an individual has any real idea about what they want to do with the rest of their lives. For many individuals, the only life experiences they have is schooling and cruising through the educational system. I do not believe that an individual should be allowed to serve his/her country and die for her freedom but cannot have a celebratory drink or consume alcohol. I think we have a great deal of discrepencies in our society.

I don't think individuals are competant to make life choices at 18, so I am not suggesting lowering the drinking age. I am suggesting as a baseline to raise the age in which men and women can lay down their lives for freedom, vote for political issues, buy lottery tickets, etc. There is so much that individuals are unable to comprehend the sacrifice and what the future will hold. Myself included, had no idea what I was doing after I turned 18. I was still "invinsible" in my own mind.

Back to the case in point. The article talked about all the things that people can do in their 20's-being free, exploring the world, having fun, make memories, etc. It then went on to talk about how half of marriages fail (blamed on marrying young,) children cause stress and worry, finances and other responsibilities weigh you down and burden you. I take great offense to this. i have been married for 4 years, from the age of 24 on my part (He was 28.) I haven't found that marriage and responsibilities are burdensome and unwanted. I have found that my life is far more filling and enriched with him in my life.

Looking back, I would certainly change things in my life. I wouldn't have spent time with men who I knew were not my forever mate, I would have lived more in the moment, I would have told people I loved them, etc. As of right now though, if I could go back and change things, I wouldn't. Each and every one of those events made me who I am today. I am proud of the person I have become and the person that I am evolving into.

Women are waiting much longer to conceive. While this allows for them to mature more and become more in tune with their true to form self, it also causes exponential growth in infertility and pregnancy. No one wants to tell the 20 somethings that the older you get, the lesser the chances of conception-on the female end anyways. By 30, fertility is cut in half, at 35 it's cut down to 25% and just continues through 40. So yes, I stuggest women experience life and find out who they are before creating a new life. A person absolutely MUST find happiness from within before they can offer themselves to another fully. Those marriages that are doomed to fail are often because the parties involved do not comprehend who they are as an individual and lack self-encouragement and love for themselves. This prevents them from fully opening up and having a true-to-self understanding of the other person's views, personalities, reactions, etc.

Let me tell you this, infertility is NOT cheap! IVF (in-vitro fertilization) and IUI (intra-uterine insemination) can cost on the upwards of $10,000. Even though you may be in college and think you're going to get a great job and be able to pay this, short of getting a doctor/lawyer/lottery winner, $10,000 will always be a huge chunk of change! Having children is expensive in itself, as is raising them. Just imagine starting out with all of that by paying a lump sum of that amount of money.

I'm not saying women should get married in their 20's. I'm also not saying they shouldn't. I'm saying they shouldn't rely on mass media and articles written by bitter men and women to know when the time is right. As humans, we are born with an innate ability to know when the timing is right and what to do next, even if we are unsure of our own actions in the moment. I always thought I would be married by 25, have children by 27, and move on with my happy, healthy life. But simply stated, our lives are not a book, or a movie, or even a blog. The endings aren't always happy. The actions we take aren't always right. Events aren't always predictable. I want to scream this from the highest mountaintop and tell all of todays youth this. I think we have this preemptive idea that life will be great in the next chapter so we close our eyes and flip through the rest of this chapter to get to the next. Sadly the next chapter isn't always what we expect or want it to be!

My advice to women in their 20's? Live it up. Nowdays they say "you only live once." When I was young, we said "carpe diem" or seize the day. Live in every moment. Learn and discover who you are and what your life is all about. Don't fret because you can't figure out where you're going because even the most well-put together people haven't a clue where life will lead us. You are young and agile. You have so much to live for and look forward to. Don't plan every detail of your future because it likely won't happen that way anyways. Set attainable goals and strive for them. When you fall in love with someone who has fallen in love with you, don't put of the big M. If you are meant to be and will be toghether forever, get Married! Don't wait because someone or something said you were too young. Realize that it is a true commitment and you will live with it forever. If you do get divorced down the road, you won't be considered 'single.' You will be considered 'divorced.' No matter what you do, you can't ever go back to those places in your memories. But life to come? Well it is very worth it too.

Women in your 30's just getting started on your "settled" life, enjoy every moment. Just like in your 20's, moments are fleeting and even in the worst of times, you can make the best of memories. Life will be hard but worth every moment. If you haven't started or settled into a routine life and are still exploring yourself and the world, keep it up! There is a plan for you and you will have purpose in your life. I know many women who focused on careers and were happy with single=dom through their 40's and 50's. Then out of the blue, they fall madly in love and get married so late in life.

Life moves in a direction we never intended to go. Most single mothers never planned on being a single parent. Most widows never expected to be alone  again. Most parents never expect a child to be injured or killed. Life isn't a straight line with predictable outcome. It is messy and complicated. It is crazy and weird. It is uncomfortable and hard. It is happy and joyous. It is sad and lonely. Life in it's fullest is simply everything. Be you and love you for who you are.

DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU  it's not your time or that you're too young, getting too old, pressure you into moving quicker (and generally more hastily.) Follow your heart but protect it with your heart.

Monday, June 16, 2014

Turn The Other Cheek---Easier Said Than Done

I have taken a short hiatus from blogging to focus my attention on the arrival of this year's VBS titled "Weird Animals." The story lines explore different stories through the Bible that Jesus encounters people who are different, lonely, left out, etc. but he loves them anyways. Examples are healing the ten (mostly ungrateful) lepers, talking to the lonely Samaritan woman, washing his disciples' feet, dying on the cross, etc. So even though we are left out, lonely, dirty, sinners, Jesus still loves us. Even though we are weird, we are made perfectly in his image and we should love all his creatures as he loved his children; without judgemental eyes, sneering looks, mean remarks, whispers behind their backs, etc. It's a good story line and I have been blessed to teach the "Bible Adventures" class where we play out and interact the story of the Bible.

This evening however, I have a great deal on my mind. It's been a long couple days and I haven't spent much time on Facebook. Tonight, while scrolling through my newsfeed, I found some unsettling remarks. I read comments beneath the picture of a woman on the beach. The remarks were from a self-proclaimed Christian but portray Christians in a very bad light. The comments were hateful, judgemental, cruel, and just mean spirited. It upsets me a great deal that people think just because they are "Christians" they have the right to stand on a podium and point out the shortcomings of others. I do feel that we are supposed to support others and help them overcome their sins and bad habits. I do think that we shouldn't ignore people's sin and live in this happy-go-lucky, "God loves everyone so I don't have to try" mentality. But we shouldn't point out sins from a higher standing like we are more important and then continue to judge, criticize and demean them.

Jesus met many people while he was here that were not "good Christians." Noone withholding Jesus, was or ever will be without sin. He never criticized them, belittled them, or spoke cruely to them. He didn't say "I'll pray for you" in a snide manner. He didn't curse at them and walk away in disguist. He didn't walk away at all in fact. He didn't poke, prod, and aggitate them to encourage argumentation. He loved them despite their sins. He loved them despite adultry, disease, murder, theft, idolitry, and so many other things. He loved them because they were his Father's children. We are all our Father's children. So we are all brothers and sisters.

I become enraged when someone uses their being a Christian as a basis for others to live up to. I will never live up to some and I will greatly surpass others. Noone will ever live up to Jesus Christ's life on Earth. We will never experience a love so true, an understanding without confusion, or life so perfect as he did. We will never measure up to Him or His Father. That's kind of the whole point. Going all the way back to Genesis, Adam ate the apple and so did Eve. Because of this, human decendents from this line are all sinners and will be until the second coming when we are all raised into Heaven. We should not compare ourselves to others-Christian or otherwise- because if Jesus had compared Himself to us, we would never be permitted into the Kingdom of Heaven because we would never be good enough. It is through His grace that we are forgiven. Not because of our good deeds or charity. Not because we brought so many people to Him. Not because we were "good Christians." We are welcomed into the Kingdom of Heaven because of His grace and His grace alone.

I am not a woman who measures up to others. I am also not a woman who feels as though she must. I must follow my heart and pray that God fills me with his wisdom to know where to go and what to do. I have made so many mistakes in my life, I can only imagine how many more I will make. I do not feel that my sins are much greater or much less than anyone else's because I will not compare my sins to theirs. A child who grows up incredibly poor may steal a thousand times just to feed him/herself. Is that better or worse than a person stealing out of idolitry and wanton? There are so many factors that play in each situation that with my limited knowledge, I have no way of comparing the sin themselves, the situation surrounding them, the individual's relationship to God and repentance. If I were to compare them and state that stealing food to feed onesself is okay but wanton stealing from the elderly is not, I may not know that the elderly was a wealthy non-believer and God requested the individual take what was rightfully his/hers. ((This is NOT permission to steal anything from anyone or blame God for telling you to steal anything either. I am simply stating a hypothetical situation) The only person that is able to rightfully judge and praise or condemn is the omnipresent, omnipotent, and omniscient God Almighty himself.

Being a Christian doesn't give you the right to judge others. It doesn't give you the right to be cruel, harsh, evil-spirited, aggitating, unsupporting, or otherwise condemning to anyone whether they are Christian or not. If an individual is committing sin that you feel you must point out, first ensure that you are doing it for their welfare, not your own. Many many people will point out another's sins because they feel they have been cheated on, lied to, stolen from, or otherwise taken advantage of. We point out sins out of revenge and anger instead of true consideration and love for the individual. For example, a friend of mine asks for money for gas to get home then posts pictures of how they went out and partied after receiving money from me. By pointing out that lying is a sin and they should feel shameful for their actions, I doubt I would be doing it out of concern for their soul. I would likely be pointing out the shortcomings because of my own personal feelings of anger, betrayal and hurt......unfair and sinful judgement---on my part!! So we then start this vicious cycle of sin- he sins, she judges unrighteously, he gets angered, she gets angered, he leaves, she leaves, and so it goes. If I were to step back after loaning them the monies in the examply and ask myself, "would Jesus tell them to repent for lying to me?" I don't believe that he would. I think he would tell me to love them unconditionally and forgive quickly.

We never know what is happening in another's life. Perhaps the friend in my example only needed money to get home to get their cash, perhaps their friend invited them out and paid for everything, perhaps they went out to forget unwanted feelings or emotions, perhaps they went to pick up another friend that otherwise would have driven intoxicated and killed someone or themselves. These are the things that we as humans have no way of including in judgement. That's why all judgement should be left up to the one who is all-knowing. Yes, we get angry. We feel betrayed. We are hurt. We are sad. For all these things we experience, we should turn our hearts to God. We should ask God for comfort and relief from these feelings. We should ask him for guidance in navigating the situation without judging them or turning away from them. We should pray and connect with God. Then give it all to Him. He will judge and forgive. All sins committed whether against other humans (lying, cheating, stealing, abusing, etc.) ones' own self (self mutilation, gluttony, lust, pleasure, etc.) or against God himself, they are all forwarded to Him. He is the judge, jury, and jailer/executioner. All sins committed are His to deal with as He sees fit. Don't let another's transgressions cause you to commit sin against them. Leave it to God. Leave it ALL to God.

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Neuros and Pros!!

Today was my neurology appointment in Columbus with The Ohio State University Medical Center. I really enjoyed it, surprisingly enough. The drive up wasn't bad---of course, I was riding, not driving though! Traffic wasn't too bad and we zipped right up the road.  J did wonderful and didn't look around too much, which he likes to do when we are out of small town America. The center was very nice, the employees were all so nice, helpful, and friendly! We arrived almost an hour early. They went ahead, registered us, and took vitals. Right at 1pm, they took me back to the room where we waited for the resident physician.
 
The physician was a resident but very thorough. He asked all the neurological-y questions, did all kinds of physical tests. He took the MRI and discs to confer with the attending physician. Then, they both came back. The doctor told me that I do have "low-lying cerebellar tonsils" and pretty significant sinus damage. The cerebellar tonsils are a little hang-downy part of my cerebellum (a small part of the brain.) They actually hang so low that that they almost rest on the skull. This can cause interruption in the flow of CSF-cerebral spinal fluids-to the brain. They believe this may be the cause of the intensly sharp pains I experience anytime when I strain along with a number of other things that go along with limited or decreased CSF flow in the brain.
 
From what I have read, CSF is the jelly fluid stuff that surrounds your brain. It is what keeps your brain afloat and allows for movements without causing significant damage to the brain. If this fluid is low, flow is stopped, there is too much, or anything at all changes, the brain reacts very poorly. If the cerebellar tonsils lay too low, they can actually limit and/or reduce the flow of CSF from your spine into your skull to surround the brain. So the pains are similar to wrapping a string around your finger (don't try it.... most people have done it before, but can cause your digits to fall of...) then remove the string. The blood rushed into the finger and it hurts very badly at that point. The same happens with the cerebellar tonsils if they lie to low in the brain.
 
The doctors ordered ((MORE)) MRI's. These are going to be an MRI of the CSF flow and an MRI  of the internal auditory canal. I've already had a general MRI, MRA, CT, and Myelogram. This new one will be an MRI that looks at the flow of the CSF around the brain and spinal cord. The MRI of the auditory canal is because of the constant thrumming that I hear in my left ear. I can consistently hear my heartbeat and when there are super loud or close noises like hammering, phone ringing-like I'm calling someone else and it's ringing, and semis driving by. My ears look fine, not obstructions or anything. However, they are connected to both the sinus cavity and the brain.
 
My testing appointments are actually scheduled for a week from Sunday, yes Sunday! I was shocked that they do testing on the weekends, especially outpatient ones! I am also being referred to a neurosurgeon. They want to make sure that nothing needs to be done surgically to correct the problem in order to maintain CSF levels. They can remove a small piece of the skull and cervical vertebrae to allow for a straighter path for the flow. She said she didn't think this would ne necessary, but wanted them to check it out too.
 
So I am a happy camper that I have gotten some answers. Not full diagnosis and plan of approach, but some answers are better than what I've gotten from Holzer at all. The MRI that showed all of this was done well over a year ago and went unnoticed until a couple weeks ago. The doctor who read it even said that everything was normal-made no mention of the tonsils at all. He did not some sinus impaction. I go back in 10 days for the MRI's, the followup with a neurosurgen. Then I will return to the regular neuro for a follow up in 1-2 months.
 
I think today has been successful!!!

Sunday, June 1, 2014

A Father's Love


We had a guest speaker at church this morning. That always makes me a little nervous because they can sometimes be a little...extreme. This guy, however, he was good. I enjoyed the message he presented today. Some of his points included Jesus is angered by "religious people," people who put religion before others. We've all seen them or know some. These are the individuals who feel that because they are "religious" that others are beneath them, not worth of their attention or time. These are the people who put religion ahead of the needs of their fellow man. The example given was this: you're on your way to church and you are so close to being late and rushed. You pass someone along the side of the road who needs help. Do you stop and be late for church? If you don't, you're giving up the chance to tell someone about Jesus and help your fellow man, all for what? To be on time to 'worship' God.
 
Throughout the Bible, Jesus is referred to as our best friend and biggest supporter. He is always there and always supporting us in our endeavors. We on the other hand are not good friends to Jesus. We are more likely to run to him when things are bad, we cancel our plans with Him, we have priorities above him, etc.
 
He also nailed on child abuse. That harming His children angers him, as written in Matthew 18:6- "If anyone causes one of these little ones-those who believe in me-to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea. Woe to the worlk because of the things that cause people to stumble! Such things must come, but woe to the person through whom they come!" To abuse a child is truly causing harm to God's truest and most innocent children.
 
We also talked about Abraham being a great father. Many people think he was an awful father because he was actually going to sacrifice his only son, his future, his prodigy. I, however, think Abraham is the person who comes the closest to understanding the true sacrifice that God made on Calvary Hill, giving His only son to pay for our sins.
 
The last big bulletin his was the wrath of the Father. A person who loves their children will become angry when someone harms or dangers their children. They also become disappointed when they make the wrong choices because they can see the potential for the child's life. I wouldn't want a happy-go-lucky God. I want a just God who will protect me from harm and can make the hard decisions. I want a God who knows my best interest, not just my worldly desires. I want my God to be able to pass harsh judgement on those who need it. I thank Him though, that His son died on that cross so that I can be His child no matter how many times I screwed up. I am so thankful that He can forgive me and love me with repentence and faith.
 
 

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Social Networking or Social NOT-working?


Social Networking-is it really social and what impact will it have on youth growing up with it? Is it networking or is it notworking?
 
Social networking is a relatively new terminology. By the term new, I mean within the last decade. Facebook wasn't even available when I was in high school and when I first registered, you had to have a valid collegiate or university email address. That lasted for only about 6-9 months after I registered. Then, you had to have a valid student email address-university, college, or high school. Then, well it became totally mainstream and unregulated in those terms. Now I believe the only requirement is that you must be able to turn on a computer and have basic knowledge of the internet.
 
Here's the thing, when I was in elementary school, if you wanted to "chat" with your friends, you dialed their home phone number from your home phone. The cool kids even had cordLESS phones! Some even had more than one line or call waiting! Many nights were filled with gab sessions on the phone, homework, projects, and sometimes television. "Social networking" eliminates the need for all of this.
 
With the need for verbalizing and vocal conversation no longer mandated in the formation and continuation of relationships of a younger age, children (I believe) will be at a MUCH higher risk of developing and displaying Asperger's and Autistic-type symptoms regarding social settings and peer connections. I have noticed this in myself regarding social settings-even familiar ones. After utilizing social networking sites, texting, and emailing, I find myself quite literally at a loss for words. Without being able to type it out, edit it, and word it the way I want, I am stuttering, tripping on words, and being unsure of what and how I want to say. I, unlike the younger generation, have years of prior experience with actually talking to people and being social.
 
I can see great attributes to utilizing social media and the way that it encourages thought before expression. It causes one to carefully plan what one wants to express and the wording that goes with it. It allows for editing and revising (although some people should use it a little more.) It connects people across continents and oceans, old high school friends and even teachers and celebrities. But with these "connections" the relationships behind them are becoming far less meaningful. Take this for instance: you graduate high school and maintain contact with a few close friends and a couple teachers for years. You visit with the friends regularly-monthly or so and talk on the phone twice as often. You visit the teachers at least once every school year and see them out in public. Now look at the relationship we have today with high school friends and teachers. They are comments or 'likes' on a Facebook page. Rarely are these interactions meaningful or meaty in any way.
 
This lack of meaning, in my opinion at least, desensitizes our minds to the necessity of human interaction. No longer are kids sharing conversation and thoughts about the world verbally. Instead they are texting and IM'ing. Some of you may think, well yeah, but that's how they share. NO. No. no. Those forms of communication-even this blog-lack the most important part of human interaction. The one thing we all use everyday without even recognizing we are--- EMOTION. Short of those shouty capital letters and the occasional emoticon, there is no emotion in texting, emailing, instant messaging, commenting, liking, etc. I mean how frequently do people use "LOL" when they are in fact not actually "laughing out loud?" I am guilty of that one to the worst degree. This lack of emotional interaction desensitizes our children to the point where some of them may not even understand emotions later in life. Marriages and family cannot sustain on technology and social media. Could this be a factor in high divorce rates? Perhaps.
 
In my very very personal opinion, social networking is most definitely society NOT WORKING.